Ok. So I am engaged to a soldier currently deployed in Afghanistan. He asked me to marry me while deployed and he’s one of those amazing romantic men who loves to express and show how he feels to the women he loves. He is very loyal. He was with a women before me for 5 years. He is only 23 so I am his next serious relationship. We were talking everyday and Skyping everyday but recently we haven’t! He’s been so busy and I am so afraid he’s going to stop loving me if he’s so busy. I trust him but I hate not talking to him. Any army wives, finace’s or girlfriends ever feel this way? I know he loves and adores me but what’s going through the mind of a soldier when it comes to his women. Is it normal not to hear from your soldier for a few days? Have you ever grown closer or more distant while deployed? Do you think men in the military learn to appreciate the women at home waiting for them and holding them down? My fiance and I are really religious. We have never had sex (with each other) and we are waiting until we get married. How is a man’s sex drive after they get home? I adore this man because he loves me and really loves my son as his own. What can I do to make our situation better? Make him feel loved. What can I do/write/send?
We are getting married in November during his R&R. He is stationed at Fort Drum when he returns what are some of the steps, paperwork and procedures needed to be done in order to wed before he leaves again? If you can give me a step by step that would be great! Thanks!
Wow, a lot of questions. I will try to answer them all.
Trust is important. A lot of people cheat both in the war zone and the spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend back home. I was in Iraq last year and several people cheated there. Our unit knew this, but no one ever said anything. Only two people got in trouble. The girl was married back home and there was a video of her and a fellow soldier having sex and several sexually explicit photos. Funny thing is, they both got knocked down to E1. Husband had to have known she cheated and she is now pregnant with her husband’s baby and they are ‘happy’. Another soldier I know, arranged his R&R when his girlfriend was in school where she would not be able to go with him. He met a girl on MySpace and went to the Philippines to spend the two weeks with her. While there, he spend $10,000 on prostitutes and never told his girlfriend. Not to scare you, just an example. If you know you can trust him, you will be fine. I know I can trust my husband, so this will not concern me when he deploys without me.
I guess it depends on what your fiance does for a job. If he does conveys or strenuous work (ie. foot patrol), then he may be too tired or not have the ability to contact you as often as you would like. I’m not sure how good the internet is in Afghanistan, last year in Iraq it was pretty good. Although, if he had been emailing every day, unless his duties changed, he should still be able to.
Your fiance may be having a lot, A LOT of guy time. My husband played Call of Duty frequently in Iraq. I was there with him, so he did not do it the entire time. However, he had friends who literally did that and slept the entire time they were not working. I was involved in online college and that took a good amount of time. Ask him what is up? When my husband was stationed at another base in Iraq (once for a month and a half and 2 or 3 times for about 2-3 weeks) he emailed (or we im-ed) every single day there was not a dust storm where he could not. If your husband has internet connection and laptop in his room, he does not have to really go out of his way to email you, providing the connection is good and available).
I would suggest you ask why he does not email/skype every day or as often now.
Talk about anything. Ask him about things there-the weather, the locals, his friends, etc. Just general stuff, too informative and he could get in trouble for violating operational security. You could talk about sexual stuff and flirt/tease a bit. I did this a lot with my husband. We met in training for our deployment and got married a third of the way through (on R&R). We married quickly, but are very happy, it has been a year since we married and our marriage is strong. I talked about what was going on day to day where I was and about where he was. I worked in the office and later as a paralegal at Battalion, so that carried the conversation. We flirted and talked about how much we loved each other, etc.
Send photos of you and your son. You could even do some risky photos in appropriate/not too sexual lingerie, if you want. I’m sure he would like that. Make sure to send pretty pictures because he will probably show the picture around. I liked candy quite a bit, but I have a sweet tooth. Ask what he wants. You could send DVDs and video games. They were all rather expensive when I was there. I had sent my husband a wedding ring prior to our marriage when he was on a different base. He wore it on his opposite hand, kind of like an engagement ring. Just make sure you get insurance if you send one. If he is into reading, you could send a book he will like.
As far as getting married, he needs to have informed his chain of command. I don’t they can stop it, but it would be good to do. Also, it will change his BAH (ie. he should get some, which is like 600-800 a month), he will get spousal separation pay (it’s like a dollar a day), he may want to change his will or his life insurance. Make sure you go to update DEERS information immediately after getting married, before he leaves, where you can receive medical insurance (Tricare). I am not sure how that will work with your son. You will want to ask. He may have to adopt him for your son to get Tricare, I am not sure. He could look into moving you to Fort Drum when he comes home on leave. You will have to be married before you can apply for housing, but then you may be able to set up your house before he gets back from the deployment.
We married on our R&R. We got married at the court house, so you may have to investigate for a church wedding a bit more. Call your courthouse and see what you need for a marriage license. I think it is your birth certificate, Driver’s License, and maybe Social Security card. I think it cost about $40 altogether. You will also need divorce papers, if either of you were divorced before hand, I believe. It was simple enough for us.