I am in the process of a divorce and recently met a wonderful girl. I want to be honest and tell her that my ex to be is expecting our second child shortly. I was also extremely unhappy and committed adultery during our marriage. I have never cheated in any relationships during my life and believe strongly in honesty. I realize now that my extreme unhappiness led me to this wrong path. This is not my character but want a second chance at life and a solid relationship. Any advice?
It takes two to make a marriage work and one to destroy it forever. No excuse for looking for an excuse to break your vows, you are responsible for your own behavior and the deserved consequences, BUT, you are not alone, this society allows men to display their emotions in behaving like a child in a candy store, from men’s magazines under the bed, to women dancing on a table to release those emotions that should have been nipped in the bud. TV shells out this scenario as respectable even on PG-13 shows as joking around.
So, the fire, that spark that you have when you met your wife fizzled. That is not a marriage, but a flame that lights up a relationship but has no lasting warmth. I doubt you were ever "friends" with your wife. If you were friends, would you have betrayed her more than once? No. And marriage is a work in progress, not a one-night-stand that is a 365 day contract. What you had when you married has to grow into a give and take relationship filled with common likes, books, religion, hobbies, food, and even what each desires in bed. Without the bond of friendship, when the boat fills with a little cold water, one of the "partners" jumps ship. What did you expect marriage was? Did you not realize that by creating a child came a 24/7 job for both of you? Did you not realize that if you wanted more in a marriage you have to give more too? Now you want to repeat the same infatuation you once felt with your wife with your girl friend? You are cheating on yourself and giving less to this girl friend. Your unhappiness is not an excuse for trolling. If you were looking for a friend and found a warm relationship with another woman, it takes on a life of its own, and suddenly emotions and attraction made it extremely difficult to exercise self-control. You can end up just as unhappy with this person. What you seem to be looking for is the same person that is carrying your 2nd child. Perhaps she doesn’t deserve you. Your immaturely shows in not telling this girl you weren’t divorced yet. You are not divorced—yet. It isn’t a license to feel hurt and look for a less responsible relationship. You need to have a teacher, a friendship with your religion’s "minister", or even a big brother that has ethics and morals to keep you on track.
For you to fail to protect the integrity of your marriage and what it stood for, it can be nothing but brazen contempt if the adultery took place in the weakest moment of your wife’s overwhelming job of being a wife and mother. Now, you gave her another child you will neglect and spend every other weekend with and grumble to your new love how painful it is to be responsible for their food and needs. If you truly want to change your life, to be a parent that can love and have the vision, goal, dream to see your children grow emotionally & physically into upstanding adults, then you have to SHOW them the way. They will do as you do. Do you want this for your kids?
First, get counseling. If you abused, then your wife should not have been used as a doormat and it is the best thing to get out of it. If she argued for your attention, for you companionship, for your love and you "acted" out without conviction, the icey relationship that created the atmosphere for a divorce, is a consequence of your behavior as a male, as a father, as a husband. Do not duplicate your attitude, your view on what women should be, and transfer it to this "girl friend." She needs the truth now. It is too soon to commit yourself to anyone without counseling, guidance and a real class on marriage and how to create the atmosphere for a lasting relationship, friendship and lovers.
Whatever the case, you wake up one morning to the realization that you have changed. You are no longer leading the life that you had always believed you would. You have strayed from your moral vision. You have betrayed your dream. But reality is now. Step up to the plate and make things right. If you have to learn to love all over again, why not your wife? She has changed, so have you, but you have a history together that no judge can erase, especially with kids.
If there is no hope for a path or return. Find help and be the ex that will have to spend half of his life and time sharing with his former wife and your children. You own your grandchildren good parents. Good Luck.