Sorry if i go into too much detail on this but me and my mum are extremely close, my mum and my dad had an ugly relationship when I was 9 my mum and my dad broke up which was an ugly break up and continues to be ugly now, the problems we went through together have given us such a close relationship, we are more like best friends than mother and daughter.

She has been dating men for a while but nothing ever came of them, until about a year ago she started dating a man she met at work. She seemed very secretive about him and considering we tell each other everything I was getting suspicious so was starting to ask questions. She told me he had just been through a divorce but was still living with his ex-wife- This makes it sound like she thinks im stupid but shes just a terrible liar. Obviously this made me ask more questions and she eventually told me that they got divorced about 5 years ago but got back together. She then went on to tell me the reason they got divorced was because he was having an affair and wanted to move in with the mistress after dating her for 16 years. I told her what I thought to this in the nicest way I could and she seemed taken aback by the fact i didn’t approve.

She understood this new man in her life was not my favourite person but she still kept me informed with stories about what he is doing and how their relationship is moving forward. She then starts to tell me that they are in love and that when he talks about the future, she is in it and that they are going to get a house together etc. I tried again to tell her to take a step back and try and look at this relationship for what it is in a bit more of a harsh way this time, and she tells me (quite harshly) that I don’t understand because I see relationships as black and white.. your in one or your not and there are a lot of grey areas in relationships as people get older. After this she continues to tell me about what their plans are for the future and I went for the emotional tactic of getting my point across, I told her that when I was younger I couldn’t understand why our family didn’t try to make her see my dad for what he was when they disliked him for how he treated mum and that I felt i would be a hypocrite for pretending im okay with this relationship. She still continues to talk to me about how great this man is and what their future plans are. I have just got to a stage where I pretend its all okay but its bubbling up inside me because all I can see coming out of the end of this relationship is my mum getting hurt. again. I feel totally helpless and feel like I cant talk to her about this anymore because she doesn’t see it how I do. She knows its not ideal because she hasn’t told any of my family about it I am the only one that knows. Which makes it a lot more difficult to smile along at the dinner table when shes talking about how great he is and I can see this tearing us apart. I just want to know what I could do next. I feel like ive done everything I can but she just sees it as shes my daughter, shes never going to like the man in my life. Should I tell my family risking the trust she has put in me but hope we can convince her together that she is going to get hurt or keep quiet and pretend its all okay?

Again sorry about the essay.

This is a great example of why mothers and children should NOT tell each other everything! You should not have this type of information and she should not have told you.

Time to become more of an adult and put in restrictions on what you tell each other. Certainly knowing these types of things aren’t helpful to your relationship!

Now that you know you need to tell your mom you are not ok with it and will not keep her secret for her. Tell her to never again give you such secrets as they are detrimental to your relationship. Know that your mom is going to be with this guy no matter what anyone has to say about her. Most who date a married person really wants the safety that brings. She knows he can’t do certain things to her or risk his wife finding out. She also has the safety that this might not ever go any further than it is while living the fantasy life and enjoying herself.

Walk away from it all right now and no longer be apart of any of it.

and I saw this on Pelle Billings Gender Liberation beyond Feminism site and I thought I’d post it here….

"You may not have learned it in school, and your parents may not have taught you, but relying on traditional gender roles to get you where you want is uncertain at best. In this day and age we need to turn to individual negotiation, something that men especially need to start becoming aware of. Women have already made this transition to a much greater extent, thanks to the women’s movement. Women are more aware of their choices, and evolutionary speaking women have always had to think about how good a deal they can get when interacting with men.

Men, on the other hand, still believe that they need to perform their traditional duties in every area of life, and are rarely fully conscious of what they offer and what they get in return. If you are a man reading this, I therefore offer you this checklist of things to become aware of in your everyday life:

* Do you help your female friend repair stuff or do you help her move or carry things that she finds heavy? If you do, then you should fully expect her to come to your house to cook and clean every now and then.
* Do you buy drinks or dinners for women when dating? If you do, then what are you getting in return, financially? If the answer is nothing, then why are you doing it?
* Do you really want to spend $10,000-100,000 on a fantasy wedding? Or is that her fantasy, and her wish? Would she let you buy something of equal value from money that she has brought into the marriage?
* As long as family courts regularly award custody to the mother, it makes sense for every man to have a prenuptial agreement, so that you have the financial power after a divorce to compensate for her having power over the children.
* Do you even want to get married? Do you need to get married to satisfy what you’re after? Or is it enough for you to live with a woman and raise kids together?"

I think that information like this can help some of the guys that turn up here feeling perhaps short changed, confused and sometimes a little angry.

What are your thoughts Gender Studies?

Pelle Billing is a swedish MRA http://www.pellebilling.com/
My take on individual negotiation is that nothing is off limits. You can certainly marry a woman, give her the wedding of her dreams, and then support her for the rest of your life. The question is: What are you getting in return? Are you getting your money’s worth? If you feel that this way of thinking is crass and unromantic, then you are the one to stand corrected. Love is free. Romance is free. No money is needed for two people to talk, kiss or make love. Everything that we have been made to believe is necessary for romance (flowers, expensive dinners, an expensive car, an expensive wedding) has no natural connection to either romance or love. And by the way, have you noticed what gender has decided what to call romantic?
Again, nothing is off limits. You can do anything you want, including traditional romantic gestures. But start by asking yourself why you are doing it, and what you are getting in return. Becoming conscious in this ways is not unromantic, it simply means leveling the playing field with women, and having the chance to face women as their equal.

Specifically on the topic of weddings:

Most couples now are living together before they decide to get married; they have established themselves as a couple, have established and maintained a household and quite frequently have joint bank accounts. These days, most couples are paying for their own weddings.

IDK if people are really looking at dating as such a cut and dry equal exchange though. I know when I do something nice for my partner Im not expecting anything but for him to say "Thanks". That’s pretty much it.

At any rate, no, there isn’t a ton of advice for guys out there. The bulk of the relationship advice market is geared toward women 19-28 and dumped in Cosmo. Men have…….hmmmm…..Im not sure. Ive never read Maxim, is there anything in there of substance? It does seem like the PUA approach has the most accessibility and results oriented methodology. PUA isn’t really anything more than applied psychology

I have asked questions about this guy before – when he was still married we had an online affair. He was separated when he called me again and now he is divorced. we are very attracted to eachother. but he is very upset about the divorce naturally. he is asking me how he should go about winning back his wife. My first instinct is to help him and be there for him as a friend. I dont want him to think I am jealous or hot to land him so soon after the divorce. but I dont want him to start thinking of me as a friend only either. should I give him advice or not?

Being the better person usually works out in your favor.

If you are meant to be together then these are the two things that could happen.

if you try to help him get back with his wife and be a friend he will remeber that when it doesn’t work out.

If you try to keep all his attention and prevent that he will not think of of you as highly.

He is going through a hard time right now you arent’ remeber that

I feel so bad tonight, I can hardly sleep.I just found out that this guy I was involved with, flew out out town to see another woman, plus on top of that he treats me bad, he doesnt want to take me out, does not want to talk or have a nice conversation, he basically told me sex is all I will get and all I deserve..and I just notice that these are the type of guys I always tend to get involved with, guys who do not want a relationship with me, or date me, or take me out,…I always get used and hurt for some reason.. I feel like I’m not good enough, or unattractive, what gives??I thought I had all this figured out,..I was celibate for four years, and I broke my celibacy for someone who could care less about me. and its been over five years since I ve had a REAL fulfilling relationship.I feel so so bad now..and the thing is that I still have feelings for this guy..what do I do??

Please don’t take this the wrong way.

The reason they treat you like that is because you let them. You may not want the bad treatment but you stick around for more don’t you? This guy cheated on you, yes he is an @sshole and your better off without him….but he treated you bad before you knew about the other woman and you still stayed. You stayed for more bad treatment, when you should have been giving him the @ss and leaving yourself available for a nice man who doesn’t treat you bad.

Men who mistreat women have some sort of radar to women who will put up with their crap. Its like they can smell your low self esteem, insecurities or desperation on you. They know the vulnerable ones and they prey on them.

You need to fix yourself first. Stand up for yourself and demand to be treated right. If they can’t treat you right then they can’t have you…What’s the worst that could happen? They leave? Well if they don’t treat you right its no great loss is it? Just saves you months or years of inevitable pain.

When you have confidence and demand self respect. When you don’t fear being alone..You will notice that the right guys will be attracted to you. You’ll start seeing the wrong guys for what they really are…A painful waste of time, and you wont bother with them. You teach people how to treat you. People can’t mistreat you more than once unless you allow them to.

Forget this loser. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and aim higher.

Ex boyfriend advice- MEN ages 30-40 HELP ME!!!?
I need some serious advice and insight-
My ex and I have been having fights lately. His father has stage 4 lung cancer and it’s gotten progressively worse. J, my boyfriend, is in a state of despression, self-reflection (he has some issues within himself he wants to work out), and intense stress. We have "broken up" but, we talk every day and after we have huge blow-outs…we admit that we love and care for each other. We also continue to express that we miss each other and feel like we have lost our best friend. We are in contact constantly and care about what’s going on in the others lives.
WHAT IS GOING ON???

Is this person keeping me in his life because he loves me and wants us to work out? Do you think he feels weak as a man right now and just needs time to sort his **** out before he can try and focus on our relationship again? This is a good man, who is 38- not looking to play games and waste time. We are both staying faithful to the other eventhough we are not technically "together". How do I interpret his love and continuing to reach out and engage in my life? Does he just need time to get strong again and get a grip on his issues and dealing with his father dying?
We wanted to get married and have a family. Something we were very open and honest about. Should I hold onto faith that this will work itself out since there is so much love? Should I give him space to resolve his stress and issues and trust he will come back since he hasn’t really done anything to PROVE that he wants to lose me, other than just screaming things when he’s angry?
Thanks!

T

Well, T, I think your man has a full plate right now. He is probably mentally exhausted and is worried that he will neglect you. He is also probably watching to see if you go. Self pity isn’t a good thing; but he’s got a lot on his mind. Sounds like you have a relationship regardless. Why not ask him if he’d like to get a cup of coffee sometime? I don’t think he’s gone anywhere- he’s just not sure how to cope. Good luck!

I just meet this man a few days ago. I want to tell him. It not a good time for me to be in a relationship. For the following reasons, I am about to relocated for a new change. I will be living in a shelter and will be in a job program for women and my daughter who is under 6yrs old.

I had been out work since the beginning of this year. Make a big change I had to take time off. I work 2 jobs and save most of my income for traveling.
He asked me did I want him to move up there with him. I told him if up to you. Later on that evening, I did some thinking.
We both going to be new in the area. Most shelters it either for men or women or you have to be married. I don’t believe in marry no one until I get to know him well.
He a Katrina victim, He waiting on his birth certificate, he cant get a real job until he get his birth certificate, and he get his ID and Social Security Number. That one of my concern he don’t have no documentation .He also lives in the park (into the streets).

Your conerns about his situation are very valid, plus it’s way too quick to be thinking seriously about someone when you’ve just met. The biggest factor is to get you and your little girl back on track before you enter into anything with anyone else. You and your daughter can only respect you if you make it on your own and pull yourself out of your troubles independently. It is flattering to have him so interested in you, but please keep your priorities straight, which is your little girl first, and then …you! The timing is not right at this point to involve anyone else in your little family, let alone someone who hasn’t much to offer to you, and whose history seems a bit spotty. Best of luck to you!

I came out as bi a few years ago (after being a le s bi an for about 5 years.) This is the first serious relationship I have had with a guy. At first it was really great, but after 6 months I am finding some things really hard.
Having been with women for many years I am finding being with a guy quite difficult. At times I think my bf can be a bit insensitive and I find I’m having to explain how I am feeling all the time. Also he is not as open about his feelings as I would like him to be.

Our sex life is great – he tells me that I am very open about what I want which he likes. Its also the only time when he is really expressive.

Am I expecting too much – are all guys like this?

Batman: men tend not to be as sensetive to feelings as the fairer sex, my old chum.
Robin: gee wizz, batman, I guess its true what they say, men are from mars and women are from venus.
Batman: a sound observation, Robin.

me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 years last year we just had a baby and our relationship kinda went down from there i learned a lot of things that i am not happy about with him he started going to strip clubs and when we would fight he would go on these nasty dating websites so we broke up over the summer and he was like hanging out with other girls one who said she had sex with him he denies it but i don’ tbelieve him..so we got back to try and make things work for our son be i still don’t t Trustt him its so hard and he makes me feel very insecuree about my self.the other night we went to AC and in the casino there were theses half naked girls dancing on the stage and i saw looking over there and he was looking at all theses girls walk by and when i confront him he says i am crazyy.so would you get mad if your bf did that or am i just insecuree and should let it go

This relationship has gone sour. For you to ask for advice its obvilously playing on your mind. You already know what to do. LEAVE HIM!!! He doesn’t deserve you as a girlfriend and the mother to his child. Stay friends for your childs sake but there is no need to keep living like this as one day your insercurity is going to turn into depresssion. You will find somebody that adores you and treats you well. Your currant bloke sounds like he has a lot more growing up to do and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Good luck i hope you find the strength to do whats right for your mental health and your childs happiness. x

Trying to compile advice from women and men about relationships. What would you tell a man is the best piece of advice about women you know? You can email your advice or tip to relationshiptidbits@gmail.com. Please include your age and gender, and first name last initial if you are comfortable with that. Your advice may be published.

i would tell the man to learn when to keep his mouth shut and do what has to be done. it makes for a happy marriage. grannybc
no age, i gave my birthdays away

About to hit my 3 year anniversary with my guy. We have been living together almost the entire time we have been dating. We are selling his townhome in order to buy a house together. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want a wedding and children. He was always saying he wanted the same things. We make future plans, talk about what our kids would be like, etc. He hasn’t been working and may lose his insurance, so we have discussed going to the court real quick and doing a church wedding later on.

Then yesterday, he drops a bomb on me… he says "I’m just starting to get warmed up to this whole wedding idea" when we are discussing our wedding options monetarily seeing if we can pull off a small ceremony instead of going to the court and when I looked at him he said "Don’t push it, I want to stop talking about it or you will turn me off to the whole thing". I’m like WTF????? we are buying a house. I was ok with getting the house with him because in my head, our wedding would be very shortly down the line (he would always say, first the house, then the wedding). Now he tells me he is "just warming up to the wedding idea"??? Just for clarification, I DO NOT PUSH the whole "when are we going to get married" issue. He almost never hears about it from me.

I don’t want to go into an important purchase such as a house unless he is 100% sure but at the same time, I don’t want to be one of those girls who gives her guy an ultimatum. what on earth should I do?
I guess I should add that while he is not working, it is not his fault. He is a union electrician and has to wait until the union gives him a job or they can sue him for paying for his school if he goes off on his own without the union. He is the main bread winner of the family and is great with money (thankfully) and he will be proving the down payment on the future house (which will be somewhere around 40%). So just to be clear, he is not feeding off of me. In fact, the place we live currently, he owns, and I live there and only buy the groceries. We actually have discussed the wedding issue later on and have resolved it with each other. It was a money issue. He recently had to shell out a lot of money to pay his grandmother’s insurance (he takes care of her too) and was feeling very broke at the time of the convo. It was just bad timing. He has since told me that he has no doubts about spending his life with me. Its the actual wedding that scares him. So we r going to the courthouse

THIS is why I always tell my lady friends to wait till they’re married before living with a guy.

Once their girlfriends move in with them, guys mysteriously come up with a millions reasons not to marry.

You guy has everything he wants. He has a regular sex partner, a best friend to do cool things with, a wonderful companion, etc.

He has no incentive to marry you.

By marrying you, what would he be getting from you that he doesn’t already have?

Gals, I hope you’re reading this. If marriage is what you want, don’t shack up with a guy until you get married to him.

Now look what’s happened in this case. He has all the power.

You should have a plan.

What I mean by that is you should set a healthy boundary in your mind. "If it doesn’t happen in X number of months, it’s over."

Too many of my lady friends have been in the same position as you, only they’ve waited anywhere from 3 to 11 years and still nothing!! And some of these women are now out of child bearing range.

Don’t do that. Don’t allow *anyone* to waste your valuable time.

Set a reasonable, healthy boundary.

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