About to hit my 3 year anniversary with my guy. We have been living together almost the entire time we have been dating. We are selling his townhome in order to buy a house together. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want a wedding and children. He was always saying he wanted the same things. We make future plans, talk about what our kids would be like, etc. He hasn’t been working and may lose his insurance, so we have discussed going to the court real quick and doing a church wedding later on.
Then yesterday, he drops a bomb on me… he says "I’m just starting to get warmed up to this whole wedding idea" when we are discussing our wedding options monetarily seeing if we can pull off a small ceremony instead of going to the court and when I looked at him he said "Don’t push it, I want to stop talking about it or you will turn me off to the whole thing". I’m like WTF????? we are buying a house. I was ok with getting the house with him because in my head, our wedding would be very shortly down the line (he would always say, first the house, then the wedding). Now he tells me he is "just warming up to the wedding idea"??? Just for clarification, I DO NOT PUSH the whole "when are we going to get married" issue. He almost never hears about it from me.
I don’t want to go into an important purchase such as a house unless he is 100% sure but at the same time, I don’t want to be one of those girls who gives her guy an ultimatum. what on earth should I do?
I guess I should add that while he is not working, it is not his fault. He is a union electrician and has to wait until the union gives him a job or they can sue him for paying for his school if he goes off on his own without the union. He is the main bread winner of the family and is great with money (thankfully) and he will be proving the down payment on the future house (which will be somewhere around 40%). So just to be clear, he is not feeding off of me. In fact, the place we live currently, he owns, and I live there and only buy the groceries. We actually have discussed the wedding issue later on and have resolved it with each other. It was a money issue. He recently had to shell out a lot of money to pay his grandmother’s insurance (he takes care of her too) and was feeling very broke at the time of the convo. It was just bad timing. He has since told me that he has no doubts about spending his life with me. Its the actual wedding that scares him. So we r going to the courthouse
THIS is why I always tell my lady friends to wait till they’re married before living with a guy.
Once their girlfriends move in with them, guys mysteriously come up with a millions reasons not to marry.
You guy has everything he wants. He has a regular sex partner, a best friend to do cool things with, a wonderful companion, etc.
He has no incentive to marry you.
By marrying you, what would he be getting from you that he doesn’t already have?
Gals, I hope you’re reading this. If marriage is what you want, don’t shack up with a guy until you get married to him.
Now look what’s happened in this case. He has all the power.
You should have a plan.
What I mean by that is you should set a healthy boundary in your mind. "If it doesn’t happen in X number of months, it’s over."
Too many of my lady friends have been in the same position as you, only they’ve waited anywhere from 3 to 11 years and still nothing!! And some of these women are now out of child bearing range.
Don’t do that. Don’t allow *anyone* to waste your valuable time.
Set a reasonable, healthy boundary.
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12 users responded in this post
First, men and marriage are the cause of most WTF moments. This has been scientifically proven
On the rest, instead of focusing on tangible items like a house, focus on whether or not the 2 of you have the same future planned. For example, you didn’t even mention engagement – are you engaged? It sounds like there’s been a lot of passive communication – by this I mean chats about kids and homes. This is all theoretical and doesn’t represent commitment.
So one of two things is happening: he may be thinking that you’re not that strong on marriage since you haven’t mentioned it and many would have. Or else, everything for him is a stalling tactic. If you’re not sure what the answer is, there’s your proof that you’re not communicating.
I do agree that it would be insane to purchase a home with him until you’re married. This isn’t just sound relationship advice – it’s also legal and financial.
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having a "wedding" and getting married are 2 different things.
sounds to me like he wants to marry you but just was considering the "wedding" over the courthouse, even tho it seems to scare him.. the wedding not the marriage.
guys dont necessarily want to have to be on display and get dressed in a suit and spend stupid amounts of money. that has nothing to do with wanting to spend the rest of their lives with you.
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You should have a serious sit down talk with him.
Make sure that the two of you are on the same page before the relationship proceeds and before you make a huge purchase.
When I met my boyfriend he told me that he never wanted to get married and he was 28 w/ no kids.
I told him that even though I wasn’t trying to rush into anything that I did want to get married because I feel that I am worth marrying.
So since we weren’t on the same page that we should just end things and I was ready to walk away I wasn’t going to pressure him into anything.
Well then he said to me that he has never wanted to get married until he met me and that he would marry me. We continued dating and we haven’t talked about it since then.
But we went ring shopping so could show him styles that I like so he would know. (he did that all on his own)
He is always talking about getting married soon. And it will happen after we have our first baby coming this September
FInd someone that is on the same page and things will all fall into place.
You have to establish your worth and then he will see your worth.
And if he doesn’t agree simply move on and find someone that sees your worth the same way that you do.
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We got engaged. It was nice. We were happy.
Then we started talking about planning the wedding. He didn’t want to discuss anything. He didn’t want to have input on anything.
Eventually, I found out the reason: He didn’t think we could pay for the wedding (I’m in charge of savings). Once I sat him down and explained where we could get the money for the different parts of the wedding, he warmed up
But when his job was called into question, he cooled down pretty quick. 
We revamped and found a wedding plan that works with a reduced budget and now we’re both relaxed and happy about the wedding plans.
Maybe, with your guy not working and maybe losing his insurance, and buying a home on top of that, he’s thinking, how am I going to pay for this? Also, how can I get married if I’m not working?
Why not find out if there is any reason why he’s suddenly backing away. I agree however that you should know before you invest with him. Have a clear plan without ambiguity.
Good luck.
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Where your guy is going is a good thing. He’s basically expressed to you that he’s really starting to consider marriage, but it still freaks the hell out of him. He needs more time to think it through, mull it over, make the gears click in his mind, and get himself emotionally in the right frame of mind. Some people are like that.
So give him time to mull it over… but not forever. Maybe 6-12 mos, with no mention of wedding stuff. He might even surprise you and propose during that time, because the pressure is off. If he hasn’t brought it up himself after that time, then you MUST bring it up, because it’s not fair for him to expect you to wait forever.
BTW, a personal example of mulling… hubby and I had a conversation the other night about kids (we plan to adopt). Hubby mentioned 2-3 years. I replied I want to wait 4-5 years. Reason being, we’re kind of in a selfish phase of our lives still, when we become parents and move into that phase of our lives, I want to move into it 100%. By that, I mean that we really commit and are involved and do PTA and band boosters and Boy/Girl Scouts, the whole 9 yards. I won’t be ready in 2-3 years because I need time to mull. I mulled about engagement, then marriage, now I’m mulling about parenthood. But what this means is that when we make that choice, I’ll be emotionally prepared and ready, which is what any child deserves. I hope that helps you a little.
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I think that your man was humoring you to a large degree the whole time about getting married, and suddenly realized that it’s actually happening. Why would he do this? Maybe he that that you were also not serious, and just having fun talking about it or something. Who knows!
Anyway, I feel really bad for you, and you’re absolutely justified in feeling the way you do! I wouldn’t buy a house with this man at this point, honestly. Your relationship sounds fragile, and who knows what could happen over the next few months.
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Ask him why you should go in on a 30 year mortgage for a house with him when he won’t marry you first. It sounds to me like that is what he is really afraid of. Ask him straight what he wants and don’t accept ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.
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Sounds like you should make sure you get the marriage proposal before you buy the house, at the least. Then tell him you don’t want to push the wedding issue, but you would like to take the time just to have ONE conversation where you can communicate your thoughts to one another and plans for the future. This way he doesn’t feel you’re nagging or that the issue keeps coming up, but you get to know what he thinks and if you’re on the same page.
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Talk is cheap. You say that He "talks" about spending the rest of your life together, children etc. BUT do you have an engagement ring? Do you have a proposal? A date and a promise?
In all honesty, he seems to be in a hurry just to get a roof over his head and insurance for himself and not at all preoccupied about getting a JOB, buy you a ring, propose to the his life partner and be a wedded man. Nope, if he is just getting "warmed up" that means that he has cold feet and you will be waiting for much much longer before his tootsies feel warm to him; yet, he is all ready for you to give him a home and insurance. Open your eyes sunshine, you ain’t getting no prize here with an unemployed man that does not want to marry you.
Good luck
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its fun to say you want a wedding and kids and all that stuff, if you dont have to actually do anything!!!! but it keeps a woman hanging around!!!!!
you already have given him a fake wife who pays a lot of the bills and keeps him whole while he does not work. lucky him!!!!
and in return he is now showing you exactly who he is, a guy who will take from you but when it comes to respecting your position as his lifetime mate, he is missing in action.
however, the postion of eternal roomate with benefits who pays half the bills on a house he will buy with his own money ( and i imagine you will not be listed on the title , will you) thereby giving him equity and making you exactly what you have been for 3 years, his TENANT, NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND, FIANCE, OR ANYTHING ELSE, well, lucky you, that postion is still open.
he says first the house then the wedding and you fall for that. wow. why arent you OUTRAGED.
talk is cheap. he is cheap. he is in my view literally trying to cheat you out of your youth, self respect, money and peace of mind. he seems to regard you as a source of nothing but rent money.
you say, WE are buying a house, but then you add that he doesnt work, so how can he buy a house with no income, and, whose name is this house going to be in? if it is his money that puts the down payment down, i would guess he would insist your name not be on it. this all sounds very fishy and strange to me.
so wake up.
a guy who attacks you when it is time to propose to you is telling you exactly where you stand, that he has no respect for you and doesnt care about what you want. and by living with him and helping support him and doing all this with no commitment from him, well, you volunteered for this. so you have no one to blame but yourself.
number one rule of dating, never buy a house with someone you arent married to, never help a man make payments on a house not also in your name. it is degrading. it puts you in an unequal position and gives him money and equity and you nothing but resentment. a deadly situation.
living with a man without a firm wedding date usually means there wont be a wedding, cause you have already shown him your price, and it was cheap. men marry women who they respect, men usually dont respect women who dont respect themselves enuf to insist on marriage.
if i were you i would not give him one more penny toward his house payment. put it in a savings acct in your name only. cause you are probably gonna need it for your future, as a single woman.
this is EXACTLY what you get when you arent ‘one of those girls.’
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I agree with everything Jaded said. She is one wise lady! Please listen to her advice.
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THIS is why I always tell my lady friends to wait till they’re married before living with a guy.
Once their girlfriends move in with them, guys mysteriously come up with a millions reasons not to marry.
You guy has everything he wants. He has a regular sex partner, a best friend to do cool things with, a wonderful companion, etc.
He has no incentive to marry you.
By marrying you, what would he be getting from you that he doesn’t already have?
Gals, I hope you’re reading this. If marriage is what you want, don’t shack up with a guy until you get married to him.
Now look what’s happened in this case. He has all the power.
You should have a plan.
What I mean by that is you should set a healthy boundary in your mind. "If it doesn’t happen in X number of months, it’s over."
Too many of my lady friends have been in the same position as you, only they’ve waited anywhere from 3 to 11 years and still nothing!! And some of these women are now out of child bearing range.
Don’t do that. Don’t allow *anyone* to waste your valuable time.
Set a reasonable, healthy boundary.
*
*
*
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